This year comes to a close and the new year begins. To say 2020 has been a challenge is an understatement. Each family, each person experienced it uniquely. For me, the year brought a mixture of grief and joy for something lost but something gained.
Over the first half, I watched cancer spread through my sister, taking her life in early July. None of the medical treatments even slowed its course. This sarcoma spread like a consuming fire that couldn’t be contained. It left me feeling helpless and overwhelmed.
But during that same period, my first grandson was born. With a great flourish, he decided to arrive early-feet first. After a perilous beginning, he thrives and grows, a delight to behold.
Grief and joy mixed together in a year overshadowed with fear of an unseen virus. Through it all, I moved forward along unknown paths with the Lord as my guide. I mourn what I’ve lost but celebrate what I’ve gained in 2020.
I lost the support and love of a dear sister at all too young an age. Going on without her seems impossible at times. Yet her spirit remains with me…and she’s no longer suffering. God will bring us together again some day. This I believe.
I gained an amazing child of wonder who absorbs the world around him. All the silly songs and games I once played with my own children come back from the depths of my memory. Oh what fun lies in our future together!
On a spiritual level, these losses and gains initiated a radical shift in my thinking. I lost my intense need for control (which I never truly possessed in the first place) and in the process, gained a profound sense of trust in the One who guards my steps. Through the trials, I’ve discovered a deeper love and forgiveness for family and friends then I’ve ever experienced before. Rather than leaving me bitter, the losses move me to value those around me even more, to cherish their presence as a precious gift.
This transformation was birthed in pain and likely won’t reach its completion in my lifetime. Love grows within adversity like life springing up from desolate ground watered by God himself. Something irreplaceable was lost but something priceless was gained. This is an eternal paradox that defies human understanding.
The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.
JRR Tolkien from The Fellowship of the Ring
