When we moved to our mountain farm in Tennessee, a multitude of fences zigzagged across our property. Most of the posts and rails were still sturdy but a good number were shaky, at best, or simply falling down. My husband and I questioned why some of the fencing was even needed by the previous owners. The narrow boundaries along the driveway up to the house baffled us since navigating the curve in a truck was nearly impossible. Often, we found ourselves muttering under our breath. What good are fences anyway?
In his famous poem, Mending Walls, Robert Frost, also questioned the validity of fences. Yet, as they worked to repair the wall between them, his neighbor repeats. “Good fences make good neighbors.”
“If I could put a notion in his head: ‘Why do they make good neighbors?’ Isn’t it where there are cows? But here there are no cows. Before I build a wall, I’d like to know what I was walling in or walling out, and to whom I was like to give offense.”
Mending Walls, from the book North of Boston by Robert Frost, 1914.
Certainly, as Frost writes, we need fences for farm animals and pets as well. These boundaries keep them from wandering away and keep out potential predators. Our chickens have a ten-foot barrier around their run, and I still worry about raccoons climbing over it. Even though I can’t prevent all threats, I would be remiss if I didn’t try to protect them.
But like Robert Frost, I wonder, besides animals, what or whom am I’m walling out with my fences. What good are fences anyway? Am I building them out of necessity or out of fear? And when is the right time to build, repair, or tear down the fences in my personal life and relationships?
A Time to Build
There are times when it is wise to build fences. Setting boundaries in our relationships puts limits on what will and won’t be tolerated. Without definitive boundaries, we’re unable to say no when another person’s behavior is inappropriate or even dangerous. Healthy limits lead to healthy relationships. However, when dealing with toxic people, these walls may need to be tall and impenetrable for self-protection. This is a good topic to discuss with a trained counselor if you ever find yourself trapped in a toxic environment and don’t know a way out. A thick wall may not be enough to keep you safe.
A Time to Repair
In some instances, fences are falling down and need loving care to mend them. Past offenses and pain have caused a breakdown in a previously healthy relationship. Often mutual confession and forgiveness are the only means of true repair and restoration. If both parties are willing, reasonable limits can then maintain a strong, reliable relationship going forward. But remember. Forgiveness is the key to long-lasting fence repair.
A Time to Tear Down
Sometimes fences simply get in the way. We’ve built so many walls around ourselves that we’re hemmed in on all sides with no way out. Fear and self-protection prevent us from developing any authentic, deep relationships. When betrayed by a person you thought was a close friend, it’s difficult to climb over our walls to start anew. I’ve experiences this myself and understand the reluctance to open yourself up to future pain. Tearing down fences feels too vulnerable. But the alternative leaves us lonely and lacking any true friendships. To experience joy, some walls must be torn down.
On our mountain farm and at some point, in our individual lives, we all need to ask this crucial question: What good are fences anyway? It takes discernment to know when to build, when to repair, and when to tear down the walls in our lives. At times, all three approaches are necessary depending on our circumstances.
May God give you wisdom to deal with your fences in a way that honors Him and is right for you.
Very insightful, Suzanne. Thanks for writing this.
Thank you!