A solitary tree stands like a sentry in our backyard stretching upward into the sky. It marks the entrance to the holler leading up to the natural spring feeding water to our home. Although only a common tulip poplar, this tree has a distinctive feature not easily noticed in the tall grass. The base of the trunk is angled at 45 degrees. This majestic tree is bent but not broken. It grew in resilience at least forty feet tall despite obvious early adversity.
Straight and sturdy. How did this tree survive to become the giant it is today? And even more importantly, how do we grow this kind of resilience in the face of all the trials and tragedies life throws our way?
Every one of us experiences adversity at some point in our lives. Everyone. No one gets a pass. If there’s anything I’ve learned over all my years caring for patients as a family physician, it’s this truth. Culture, race, gender, and socioeconomic status don’t shield us from pain. We all struggle through obstacles—some big and others small.
So, how can we survive and remain bent but not broken by the weight of these adversities? Psychology and the Bible offer several ways to grow resilience. I’ll offer five means here that I’ve found most helpful.
Acknowledge Your Pain
Ignoring pain never works. To have any chance of overcoming adversity, we must first acknowledge it and allow ourselves to grieve. Acting tough when processing a horrific life event, only buries the pain. It will come out in some other way later—often in the form of anger or anxiety. Ancient cultures understood this, and tradition supported the grieving person. Tearing of clothing and a period of time set aside to mourn the loss of a loved one are two examples of this. How do you acknowledge your pain?
Reframe Your Thinking
Allowing yourself to grieve your losses is beneficial but dwelling constantly on the negative is unhealthy. No matter how dark the world appears, there is always some good within your reach. You must reframe your thinking to see it. One of my favorite passages from the Apostle Paul comes from his letter to the Philippian church while he was in chains as a prisoner in Rome. This is a treatise on how to shift your thoughts from negative to positive, from darkness into light—no matter what your circumstances.
Finally, brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. As for the things that you have learned and received and heard and noticed in me, do them, and the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:6-9 NRSVUE
Learn from Your Past
One of the great advantages of advanced age is personal history. We each have a track record of successes and failures. I have traversed numerous mountain tops and valleys in my life. And, I’ve made it to the other side as a survivor, not a victim. When I look back on my past with honest eyes, I can see what helped me through the hard places. My recovery usually involved leaning on God and other people—my family and my friends.
Choose Faith Over Fear
It’s easy to let fear paralyze you in the face of adversity. Am I ever going to get past the hurt? What if something worse happens next? Choosing to walk in faith overcomes fear. Jesus promises to be with us in his Spirit throughout our whole life. When we feel overburdened with grief, He will help us hold up under the weight. The old saying that God will never give us too much to bear is untrue. Life is hard and some situations are more than anyone could handle on their own.
In certain ways we are weak, but the Spirit is here to help us. For example, when we don’t know what to pray for, the Spirit prays for us in ways that cannot be put into words. All of our thoughts are known to God. He can understand what is in the mind of the Spirit, as the Spirit prays for God’s people. We know that God is always at work for the good of everyone who loves him.
Romans 8:26-28 CEV
Seek Purpose Within Adversity
When we take the hard experiences in our lives and use them to help others, we find purpose within our pain. It’s no secret that the death of my baby sister at the age of 5 propelled me toward a career in medicine. Primary care is an open door to minister to my patients in their sad times as well as to celebrate in their happy ones. I understand grief because I’ve also been in that dark valley. Yet the miracle I’ve discovered is this. As I help others in their healing, I am also healing myself.
Not one of us will leave this life unscathed. Even though, we are not born with resilience, with God’s help, we can grow this valuable tool to overcome adversity and thrive. Like the majestic tree in my back yard, we can stand straight and reach up to new possibilities—bent but not broken.
